So, there's this guy that I haven't seen since my acting final and I can't seem to get him out of my head. He's even in my dreams, I dreamed about him all last week and again last night.

I think I'm just weird.

Currently Listening Unwritten By Natasha Bedingfield see related

To Frell and Back Again

I can't sleep or maybe I don't want to sleep, regardless I'm not in bed instead I'm typing away trying to put my thoughts and emotions into words. I don't think it's working very well. Ok, so I wrote some sort of essay, it's what evolved through my thoughts, no one  has to read it, it's simply a release. Thank You.

Before that I just want to sat that I like him and I'm too much of a coward to make the first move, this isn't even the first move since he'd probably never read it and I don't want him to. I doubt he knows who he is, but he simply makes me smile and he makes laugh and he makes me happier than I've been in a while. But he would never ask me out on any sort of date or in any way and his friendship is good enough as I try to figure out my other emotions. Again I just needed a release. Thank You

  Who decides who we are, and where we come from? Can a location and a memory be engraved into your DNA? I miss it, at times I can even taste the food.  Maybe because I know that when I go back it will never be the same, not how it once was, it can never be how it once was. The place of both my dreams and my nightmares, where I come from and probably where I'll end up, if for no other reason than to be near that house.  Those frigid walls and now unkept gardens hold the key to my childhood, and that town holds the secrets of my adolescense. 

 That women, a natural mother and leader, she would awake with the break of dawn and tend to her garden, her pride, and then her family, her life. Now she sits with no capacity to remember, her eyes so cold. The fire that once existed within her has blown out amongst the wrinkles of old age and the pain of years that can never be recovered.  Her capacity to love and teach could overpower even the most conniving adversary, but  not theirs. You can't fill  broken hearts like those.  Her pride and joy, the three small children abandoned by their mother,  her grandchildren. She gave them all she had as her life began to dwindle, and she remained strong. For over seventeen years she was both mother and father when her only obligation was to be wife and grandmother. Now she sits there with empty eyes and they continue with their life unfulfilled with the love and dedication she had given them.

We grow up, we change, we go from cooties to kisses in the blink of an eye. We share many firsts, seconds, and thirds with people who touch or lives or hold onto our soul.  I still remember those thirty two green lights however now instead of instilling a sense of romance, they fill me with guidance and lessons learned.  Everyone deserves a second glance but only those who prove themselves deserve a second chance.  How many firsts did I experience in that town? I felt confidant there for the first time, the first time I was ever on stage, when I realized I was made to perform, my first kiss and even the first time I had feelings for someone that actually left me speechless when I said goodnight.  As a child it was the place of imagination and family, of being just one of the guys and being the only girl allowed into the "No Girls Allowed Club". I learned how to swim and was comforted from my gentle sobs by her loving embrace.  As an adolescent I felt accepted for the first time in my life. I felt beautiful, not pretty if only I'd loose a little bit of weight or with such a lovely face. I felt those glances as I entered the room proudly displaying every curve God had bestowed on my body. There were so many I rejected and then those few I found worthy of my attention. The town had transfigured from the world of imagination and family to the night of lust, recklessness and hiding. Until I was alone.

There's only so long one can go on living in a world of lust and complete reckless abandonment until they themselves are abandoned.  I couldn't do it. I couldn't become them, even though I was alone, the morals instilled in me by my family never left. I couldn't throw away the last traces of them  just for a few minutes of pleasure, if even that, with a man whose name I can't remember but instead only what his friends called him.  I had finally grown to love myself too much settle for sex when that is something one should never settle for. 

I grew up there numerous times. It served as my anchor as the world thrusted me forward in neccessary leaps that others had made as miniscule jumps. Perhaps most importantly, it is where I learned to love myself and never settle, I learned my own self worth and gathered both the confidence and pride to finally be happy with my body and my self, who I truly am and what I truly love to do. It is the inevitable town of my growth dominant in my DNA and my very pressence and habits, from walking in the middle of the road to loving my family and God more than my own life.  I will return and when I do I will travel through that overgrown garden and past the streets I had once walked through while we tried to find dark corners to sneak into cars for our dates and I'll remember the leaps forward in my own evolution that occured among this small town that slowly looses both it's population and it's security as other notorious travelers begin to dominate.  Perhaps then I will once again be thrusted forward into my own evolutionary cycle or perhaps I'll simply be a spectator as those around me reach adulthood. I simply pray that when I return it is not to late and that before she goes my grandmother can remember my name. I wish for one more conversation between my grandmother and myself. Only this time rather than her talking to a child, she will be talking to a woman one I hope she can be proud of.

Love is ended before it's begun

Currently Listening Se Repite la Historia By La Costumbre see related

I want to leave right now, go anywhere...Prague, Romania, Russia, Greece, Bosnia. Just anywhere random and beautiful, with strong culture and heritage and love for everything. Maybe I could go be a gypsy for a year or two, go to Romania and maybe Greece where I can stand by the temple of Athena. I want to see history, art, theater, life and love.